I struggled with not whether my mom had pancreatic cancer. She had several biopsies done and other doctors were consulted to try to determine it it was pancreatic cancer. Every time, the results showed her cells weren’t normal, but they weren’t cancer. I desperately wanted my mom’s oncologist to say he didn’t know what happened, but the tumor was gone. I prayed my mom wouldn’t have cancer if it was God’s will.
Celebrating Mother’s Day Without Knowing it was Pancreatic Cancer
Mother’s Day weekend was challenging. I went to the vigil Mass Saturday afternoon before heading home to Richfield. I almost cried three times during Mass, because I was worried this was the last Mother’s Day I was going to spend with my mom. Then, Father Konopa talked about how we have our earthly mothers and Mary is our heavenly mother. His words gave me comfort. They made me realize mothers aren’t limited to the women who gave birth to us.
I was thankful I was able to spend Mother’s Day with my mom. We also went up to visit my grandma at her nursing home. While I was home, I decided I wanted a picture with my mom, so my dad took one of us by the lilac bush in the backyard. I was scared that if she had cancer, I’d never see her with hair again. If she had cancer, I wanted a recent memory of how she looked before starting chemo.
Concerns if it was Pancreatic Cancer
Those weren’t my only fears while I was waiting to hear if my mom had pancreatic cancer. One of my biggest worries is whether my mom would be at my wedding and if she would be there to meet her grandchildren. I had a dream it was my wedding day and my mom was helping me to get ready before Mass. I didn’t want to wake up from that dream, because I was concerned whether it would happen.
Fighting Spiritual Warfare
Around Memorial Day weekend, I started having unwanted thoughts. I didn’t know why I was having them and I was worried I was sinning. However, I learned I wasn’t as long as I didn’t consent to them. Then, these unwanted thoughts started happening whenever I prayed the Rosary. Whenever they came up, I reverted my attention back to the Rosary, but they still kept coming. I couldn’t understand why this was going on. Once again, I started to think I was committing terrible sins.
I called my former coworker’s wife Marilyn, who’s a devout Catholic to tell her what was going on. She told me my thoughts weren’t me and they were coming from the evil one. She said I wasn’t sinning and that I was vulnerable, because of everything that was happening with my mom. It was a relief to know I wasn’t sinning. I also discovered many of the saints battled unwanted thoughts. After that, I learned the St. Michael the Archangel prayer. I’ve developed a habit of saying this prayer after Mass.
One morning, I woke up to intense spiritual warfare. I felt like Satan was after my soul. It was terrifying. Immediately, I started singing, “Be with me Lord, when I am in trouble, be with me Lord, I pray.” I sang that psalm until the feeling subsided. Then, I remembered something my mom told me after I went through another period of spiritual warfare a few months earlier. She had watched EWTN, which stands for Eternal Word Television Network and is a Catholic channel. She said they were talking about how the devil goes after those who are the most faithful to God and those who are the most vulnerable.
Saying “Yes”
I was leaving Mass one day when a woman stopped me and asked, “Are you Sarah?” I said I was. She introduced herself and said she was the cantor coordinator. She’d heard me sing when we were sitting next to each other at Mass once and asked if I’d be willing to cantor. I told her I would, gave her my email address and she said she would send me more information.
Once I received her email, I let her know my availability and explained I didn’t know how much longer I would be in La Crosse, because I was job searching. She was very understanding and said she’d be happy to have me cantor for as long as I was able. I was nervous the first time I cantored, because the accompanist that weekend only played the organ, which was up in the choir loft and I sang in the sanctuary. It was my first time cantoring when I didn’t have the accompanist right by me.
Finding Peace in the Uncertainty
The accompanist and I rehearsed in the choir loft before Mass, because Father Konopa was hearing confessions in the church. The words of opening hymn really spoke to me that day. It was “We Walk By Faith.” Although I didn’t know if my mom had pancreatic cancer, I knew I needed to trust God’s plan.
My nerves came back once I started singing, because the cantor stands right in front of the congregation at Mary Mother of the Church. I was used to standing off to the side at my home parish St. Peter’s. Thankfully everything went fine, and the accompanist raised her arm from the choir loft when I was supposed to start singing.
During the Sign of Peace, I shook hands with Father. He told me I had a “beautiful voice” and I thanked him. After Mass was over, I thought I should introduce myself to Father Konopa. He’d been at Mary Mother of the Church for about a year, but I hadn’t met him. I shook his hand and said “hi” once when I was leaving Mass, but I usually went out a different door from where he typically stood at the main entrance.
Before leaving the church, I met the parish’s webmaster Jospeh. He told me I sounded good. I also met his wife Therese who’s the Director of Religious Education and Pastoral Minister. She recognized me from when I worked in TV news. Then, I went out the main entrance where Father was greeting the congregation. All I remember is saying “hi” and telling him my name. I didn’t think too much of it at the time. I was trying to be polite, but later I learned why God wanted us to meet.
