June 2015 was definitely a growing season in learning to trust Jesus more. I felt vulnerable and I felt like Satan was taking advantage of that. Despite not being aware of committing any mortal sins, I felt like a horrible person. I knew the Church teaches we’ll go to heaven if we die in a state of grace, but I was worried I was misinterpreting my actions. So I went to confession at the St. Joseph the Workman Cathedral. It seemed like the right thing to do. I told the priest I felt stuck and overwhelmed and told him about the uncertainty I was experiencing. I also told him I was going to Mass every weekend and going to daily Mass on occasion. He told me to keep doing what I was doing.
As I was walking back from Communion, I noticed a Divine Mercy image with the words, “Jesus, I Trust in You.” I almost cried when I saw it and knew I wasn’t alone despite the uncertainty I was experiencing.
It was also at the St. Joseph the Workman Cathedral when I became familiar with the hymn “How Firm a Foundation.” I don’t remember if I heard the song the day I went to confession, but the words have stuck with me, especially the end of the last verse, “That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.” The words gave me comfort and I knew God wanted me to know I could trust Him.
Feeling the Uncertainty I was Experiencing During My Mom’s Biopsy
On June 7, 2015, my mom went down to Mayo Clinic to have a biopsy to see if she had pancreatic cancer. It was difficult not knowing the results. I remember sitting in the waiting room praying if it was God’s will that my mom wouldn’t have cancer. Then, my dad and I were notified the biopsy was finished and we were taken to her recovery room. My mom was in a lot of pain. It was scary. However, the nurse said it wasn’t unusual. The doctor decided to keep her overnight in the hospital. It turned out my mom developed pancreatitis.
The next day my dad and I drove down separately so I could head back to La Crosse once my mom was released from the hospital. It was a relief to know she could go home, but the uncertainty I was experiencing was still hard, because I didn’t know the results.
Receiving a Diagnosis and Coping
On June 17, 2015, I was sitting in the living room at my apartment when my mom called. She and my dad were coming home from Mayo Clinic. She told me she had pancreatic cancer. It was the news I expected to hear, but hoped and prayed I wouldn’t. The doctor had done 13 biopsies on my mom’s pancreas and found her cancer on the 10th biopsy.
Once my mom was diagnosed, I tried to be positive. The odds weren’t great, but I thought someone had to beat them. Why can’t it be her? However, with all of the uncertainty I was experiencing, the questions I had before her diagnosis ran through my mind. What if this was the last Mother’s Day I had with her? Will she be there for my wedding? What if she doesn’t get to meet my children when they’re born?
I really struggled with my mom’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis, especially since I was living alone. There were nights I would sob and beg God to let my mom live. I couldn’t imagine life without her.
More Unknown
The Fourth of July was coming up, and my mom told me she thought I should come home. It was nice spending another holiday with my family. My parents and I were sitting and watching the fireworks in the driveway when my boyfriend at the time called. He lived in Milwaukee, but was visiting family in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin.
He told me he’d been thinking about us. We’d been dating for more than a year and I thought this was going to be good news. However, he told me wasn’t sure if I was the right person for him. I was blindsided.
He told me he had been feeling that way since my visit in April. Things felt off during that visit, but I figured a lot of it had to do with the uncertainty I was experiencing about where I was going to end up next since my contract had expired at my job. He also felt things were off then. However, we talked about it and I thought we were fine, because our visits after that went well.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I asked.
“Because I didn’t want to hurt you,” he said.
I believe his response was genuine, but it hurt more to know that he kept his feelings bottled up for so long. Then, I suggested he should make a list of qualities he was looking in a woman and figure out how I matched up and how I didn’t. I also said I wasn’t trying to tell him what to do, but I didn’t think he should wait to make up his mind.
“No, you deserve an answer soon,” he said.
Processing Our Conversation
After we hung up, I went to finish watching the fireworks. I tried to enjoy them, but it was hard knowing our relationship was up in the air. Once the fireworks ended and we went inside the house, I told my mom I thought my boyfriend and I were over. She seemed surprised, so I told her about our conversation. It was tough. He was my first boyfriend. We were in love and we had talked about how we could see ourselves getting married in a couple of years.
Hearing His Decision
The next day, I was watching the U.S. women’s soccer team play in the World Cup when my boyfriend called. We talked briefly and said he’d call me back. He called again and after the game was over. We talked for about an hour before he told me he needed to break up with me, because he felt I loved him more than he loved me. I told him it hurt that he waited so long for him to tell me how felt.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said.
“I forgive you,” I said.
“I appreciate that,” he said.
After we hung up, I cried and told my parents my boyfriend and I broke up. I was glad he was finally able to tell me how he felt and I didn’t want to be in a relationship with a man who didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I was worried about how I’d be able to cope with all of the uncertainty I was experiencing once I got back to La Crosse, but my mom told me I’d be ok and that she’d pray for me.
Asking for Prayers
Life wasn’t easy when I got back to La Crosse. I felt like my life was falling apart and I had hit rock bottom. My boyfriend and I broke up, my mom had pancreatic cancer, I had no job and I was still fighting brutal spiritual warfare.
Although I knew God was in control of my mom’s cancer, there was more I still wanted to do. I went on Mary Mother of the Church’s website and noticed they had a prayer chain. So, I emailed the prayer chain to ask for prayers for my mom.
I came for daily Mass one morning a few days before I was moving back to Richfield. Therese, who’s Director of Religious Education and Pastoral Minister at Mary, Mother of the Church asked how my mom was doing. She also told me she and her husband Joseph, who’s the parish’s webmaster were praying for her.
I thought, “How did she know?”
Then I realized it was because of the prayer chain. I explained my mom was going through chemo and she couldn’t have surgery. I also told her I was moving back home that weekend. She told me I’d be missed and then we went in for Mass.
A Surprise Phone Call
After Mass, I went back to my apartment to pack up my stuff, when my phone rang. I noticed it was a number with a La Crosse area code so, I answered. It was Father Konopa.
“I wanted to let you know I’m sad to see you go, but I admire your reason for leaving and God is going to bless you for that,” he said.
Father asked me about my mom so I told him about how she ended up in the hospital with the flu and pneumonia. I told him about how she was going through chemo. I said my dad would be coming that weekend to get some of my stuff. However, I didn’t mention my mom, because I didn’t know if she’d feel up to coming after finishing chemo for the week even though she planned to come. I told him I was going to head home after I cantored at Mass on Saturday. He told me to stop and see him after Mass to say good bye. I said I would and we hung up. His call helped me feel at peace despite the uncertainty I was experiencing.
Visiting the Shrine
My parents arrived on Thursday afternoon. I hadn’t been to the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe that day, so I asked my mom if she wanted to go. She’d always said she wanted to go, but we hadn’t been able to during their previous visits. She said she did. My dad stayed to pack some of my stuff and my mom and I made the 10-minute drive to the shrine.
We stopped at the Pilgrimage Center before heading up to the Shrine Church. It’s a 10 to 20-minute walk up there depending on how fast you go. However, you can get a golf cart ride up if you’re unable to walk. I figured my mom would want a ride, but she wanted to walk. On the way up, we stopped at the Votive Candle Chapel where my mom lit a candle.
After looking around, we continued our walk up to the Shrine Church. Once we got there, I made sure to show her the painting of St. Peregrine, who’s the patron saint of cancer patients. Once I found out my mom had cancer, I bought her a St. Peregrine coin from the shrine’s gift shop. We stopped to say a prayer by the painting. I was so thankful my mom was able to visit the Shrine and she was too.
